Mosquitos

I am tired of mosquitos for the following reasons:

• They suck blood. I faint when I see blood. Hence squishing a mosquito can be disastrous. 
• Mosquitos are everywhere. What frustrates me is they're always buzzing around your ears, and you never know if it's a swarm or just the same one doing his rounds.
• Buzzing. I think the only sound more annoying is a vuvuzela, and that's saying a lot. 

But I have a solution. Why are we wasting our time with insect repellent and electric zappers? The real fix is to just put out a big bag of blood. 

Mosquitos would be happy. We would be happy. Problem solved. 

Puppy Eyes

Everyone loves puppies. I'd stretch as far to say that everyone likes those little cute dogs that look at you with their giant eyes. Unfortunately, I fell for their trap.

A few days ago I was on my way to bed, and my family's two dogs were on the stairway blocking my asent to my room. They both stared deep into my eyes, all the way down to my heart. Then whimpered a little bit. Needless to say, the ogre in me softened its heart.

I figured that since I have a queen-sized bed and they are both little dogs, letting them sleep on the corner of my bed was hardly a sacrifice.

A red flag should have gone up when they hopped into bed right next to me. No, really. The poodle was nestled right beside my head and the yorkie tightly by my feet. They had me trapped.

Sleeping was another struggle. They kept waking up and barking for no reason and just walking around. After a restless night, I woke up at 5:00 am to finally kick them out. Overstaying their welcome is an understatement. As I round them up, I notice dog toys on my bed.

Yes - during the night they had actually gone and retrieved their slimy toys and brought them onto my bed.

To boot, one of them had relieved himself on my bedroom floor. Next time I feel like being charitable I'd rather go bathe the homeless before letting those little ruffians back onto my bed. I'm not falling for puppy eyes again.

I believe this to be an accurate representation of how my dogs sleep.

Fishing in a Dress

I really enjoy fishing. I also appreciate pretty girls in summer dresses. But fishing with my buddy wearing a summer dress was a new experience.

So one of my friends from high school, Josh, is getting married in a couple weeks. We planned this spectacular bachelor party up at a lake. The air was the optimal breeziness as the sun bounced around off the water.

Carrying all of the fishing supplies, we had an extra bag with us. Once we had set up all the fishing poles we told Josh we had a surprise for him. I'm sure he was expecting some manly gift - such as a knife or ax, but instead it was a red, low-cut summer dress. To boot we had gotten him a bra and panties.

Now seeing a hairy, bearded man in a dress is like watching the Star Wars kid. You feel terrible for the kid but can't stop watching. And laughing.

Reluctant at first, Josh came to accept the idea that he would be spending the afternoon a form-fitting dress. He surprisingly had no problems with getting the dress on, but did need some assistance with snapping on his bra.

The fishing was unforgettable - and not because of the fish. Being that we were on a motorboat, the wind kept blowing his dress up. I had to keep telling him when his bra was showing. Nearby fishers would steer very clear of our boat.

So girls, next time you don't think you look good in a dress, let these pictures ease your worries:

Josh "coming out." The hat was an added bonus.

Taken right before fishing. His bra is showing slightly.

Notice the placement of his arm to stop the wind.

Baby Gap

Comebacks should be extended to about two years after the original statement.

Getting home from a long day at school at BYU, my buddy Mark came and plopped down next to me on the couch. His pants seemed different. Out-of-place. Form-fitting. Being a great friend, I went ahead and told him:

"Nice pants, did you get them at Roxy?" I said, chuckling slightly to myself at my own wit.

In response, he just looks over and says, "Nice pants, did you get them at Baby Gap?" 

If bewilderment has a facial expression, my face was setting the standard. Of course, my other four roommates are already high-fiving Mark. 

My mind is racing, searching for any other retailer more embarrassing than Baby Gap. And it's still searching, almost two years later. 

Unfortunately, timeless quips have a way of sticking. So my nickname will be "Baby Gap" until I come up with an equally amazing comeback. So if you want to do a kind act of service today, please just think of a store worse than Baby Gap and help a brother out. 

For Your Enjoyment

I just learned that corn can have anywhere from 350 to 1,000 kernels. Also unrelated, for 85% of Americans there is a Wal-Mart within 15 miles of their home. 

Aside from these great facts, I'd like to share with you one my favorite youtube videos. If I ever have a child as cool as this, I will get him icecream every day.

Team Edward

                                            Middle names can be both a blessing and a curse.

If your parents are considerate, they'll name you something that flows nicely and won't set you too far apart from your peers. Such names as Eugene, Dick, or Bertha should be avoided just as a best-practice. 

One thing that parents should also be able to do is to see the future and accurately predict trends and potentially popular characters and avoid giving you these names. In my case, my parents should have looked into changing my middle name once the Twilight series was published.

Yes, my middle name is Edward.

It used to be that when I told people my middle name they would say "oh how nice." Now the reaction is, "no, really...what is it?" Then I have to explain that it really is Edward and the rest of the conversation will inevitably be about Twilight. 

So if you have to know, I am the inspiration of Team Edward. 

Blood Pathogen Training

At my internship at Sears, I have to do all sorts of online training. The subjects range from having to operate a cash register to how to set up a trap to catch cats.


Now I'm not a big fan of blood. Squeamish, faint-hearted, and passing out are all words that come to mind when I imagine the red substance. So of course Sears has an unnecessary training on what to do with a major blood spill. 


In my mind, the entire training should just say "Call 911."


But no. Graphic pictures are needed. Descriptions and examples are vivid. Everything is read out loud to you, just to ensure that the picture of a man holding his face with blood gushing out matches the story. 


Needless to say that was the most agonizing 20 minutes of my life. Now if there's a blood spill I'll remember to put on safety gloves before fainting. 

Shark Blood

We all have the friend who dresses a little too preppy. I believe karma and luck slowly build up until nature punishes them for being so well-dressed.

While my buddy and I were backpacking on the East Coast we stopped and visited our buddy in Atlantic City. He always wears polos and smells like oakwood, whereas my friend and I had been living out of our backpacks and showering at the occasional hostel.

The three of us decide to go charter fishing. My preppy friend in his Abercrombie shirt. We're all fishing and end up catching a shark. (I know, that's probably the manliest thing possible besides Bear Grylls). My buddy and I get shark blood on ourselves while wrestling it to the boat, and start calling eachother sharkblood.

While we're busy fighting with a shark, a bird flies overhead and drops a missile. It totally splats in his nicely-gelled hair. His nickname for the day? Birdpoop.

 

Sharkblood and Birdpoop

 

Shirts Off!

Is there anything more embarrassing than being caught with your shirt off with another man? Well yes, I guess if you were spotted at a renaissance fair all dressed up and playing a flute. 


So one day I had gotten home from the gym with my buddy Tyler. I decided to change really quick before leaving to our non-nerdy activity. 


I'm changing my shirt and Tyler goes into my bathroom to check himself out, and then at that moment I hear someone enter my house. We both go to see who it is. Both shirtless. 


Now the stairway downstairs is fairly narrow, and in our macho state we were both ready to pummel any robber. Needless to say we were pretty close as we stormed down the stairs. 


Then we both stop dead in our tracks. My roommate had arrived home with his new girlfriend. There stood two buff guys, squeezed on the stairs together with our shirts off. 

Electric Scooter

My grandma just celebrated her 80th birthday! So as a present she was given one of those old-people electric scooters. As I walked her to her house after her birthday dinner, she was telling me about the vehicle.


She said, "well it's red, shiny, and goes pretty fast. I don't really want it...would you like it?" 


Right as my grandma said this she opened up her door and voila! There stood the beautiful piece of work. I examined it, much like I'm sure a Picasso connoisseur would behold a newly-discovered piece of artwork. Running my hands over it, I couldn't help but slip onto the leather seat and test its padded comfort. 


The key was already in the ignition.


I revved it up, you could almost taste the voltage power. Accidentally, I pushed the wrong accelerator and it started beeping. I looked around to see what was the matter as the masterpiece accelerated backwards. 


It even has a "backing up" sound! 


Overwhelmed, I parked it and got off. Something this good needs to be saved and treasured. There comes a time in every persons life when they need to go joyriding in an old-person scooter. Tonight was not that night. Until soon, shiny red scooter.