When I Bling

It all started on a cold Saturday afternoon.

My friend, Christina, was over and was getting picked up for a date later on. The guy was a total creeper...sideways baseball hat, gold teeth, said "fidy" instead of "fifty." OK well definitely the baseball cap.

So Christina doesn't want the rapper guy to know where she lives, so she tells him my address. He comes to pick her up, she says that I was just visiting her, me and Gold Tooth exchange head bumps, and they depart. Foolproof, one would think - pretending that this was her house.

Then I get a text from her later that evening, "oh no - would about when he drops me off?"

Christina convinces Baggy Pants to drop her off on the street, and she walks in to my apartment late Saturday night and fills me in on her night. We have a good laugh, reminiscing how funny it was that Bling Boy didn't notice our huge family portrait.

Monday rolls around, and everyone but my roommate is gone. Then guess who decides to surprise Christina by showing up at her house?

So my buddy is sitting on our couch, and in Crip Walks the creeper, asking where Christina is? My friend has no idea what is going on, and tells him that this is a guys house. The poor Low Rider tries to play it off, like he knew it was a dude's place all along. Then he walks home alone, in the snow, pulling his pants up every few feet.

Moral of the story: If I ever go visit a girl's home and it turns out to belong to guys, I'll turn my hat sideways and go join a gang.


Our family portrait, it's 2x3 feet in our living room. Pretty obvious to any visitor, one would think.

Cake Chef

I typically say that I'm a decent cook, and I even used to teach a kid's cooking class.

I decided to bake a cake with my twin brother, so we got out all of the ingredients, mixed them together, and put the pan in the oven. After 20 minutes we checked on the cake to take it out, but it still wasn't ready.

30 minutes, and still not done.
45 minutes, and not even rising.
1 hour, I decided to consult with someone else.

I took the box to my mother, and told her that I followed all of the instructions perfectly. She looked it over, and asked if that was the correct box. I said of course it it was! My own mother questioning my ability to put the correct cake mix in! I went on to explain how everything was measured, and even threw in some food pyramid vocabulary to further justify my cooking knowledge and ability. Perplexed, she then she asked why the box was unopened?

I had forgotten to put the cake mix in.

Essentially I was baking eggs, milk, and canola oil in a well-greased pan. Maybe if you're lucky you'll get one of my specialty cakes for your next birthday.


Actual picture from later that night, although I have since switched ethnicity

Giggle

I was walking out of the library today, through the doors facing the mountains, just walking alongside this girl and there was a pair of people in front of us. They opened the first set of doors for themselves and we followed close behind. Then we got to the second set.

The door that was opened for me closed slowly and quite gracefully, and left plenty of time for me to continue walking. My counterpart, on the other hand, her door's hinges must have been greased recently, because it had a mousetrap-like spring back and totally nailed her. I can't think of something more embarrassing than having a door slammed on you. Actually I can...

Here is a list of things that have made me laugh recently:
-Running with a backpack
-Throwing something left-handed
-The word "giggle" in general
-The cactus' in the testing center
-Wii hula hooping
-Describing the "No Shhh" zone to a non-BYU person
-Velco on bowling shoes - now you can look like a decrepit old person
-Slipping on the ice and trying to look like nothing happened
-Mr. Bean
-Cat posters

Electromagnetism

I am electromagnetic. No, seriously I shock everything...I now live a life of fear.

It all started my freshmen year at BYU - I went a week where I emitted static electricity. My watch stopped working, my car radio kept bugging out, and even my cell phone stopped working. Then it all went away, and I thought my life would be carefree.

When I moved into my townhouse this year, I noticed that my clothes were full of static. Then it got worse, much worse.

The following are things that I have shocked in the past week:
-the dishwasher
-plastic light switches
-door handles (I feel like the bad guy in Home Alone, tapping the doorhandle before I grab it)
-hangers
-soccer ball (the shock might have also been a sign from above not to touch the ball on Sunday)
-sobe bottle
-mounted piranha ontop of fireplace

Before I touch something metallic now, I try and "rub off" my static electricity on other things. I was walking into one of my classes, and was thus engaged in releasing my energy into the wall and realized that everyone in the hall was looking at me. I guess it is peculiar to see someone nervously tapping the wall, then to stop dead in front of the door and stare it down. Testing my hand getting closer to the handle, I can feel the build-up of electricity. I go for it, and then lightening shoots out of my hand and connects with the metallic ball of pain that is the doorknob.

What a world of fear we live in. I hope the X-Men contact me soon.

The Parrot

I don't have a lot of luck pet-sitting.

My neighbors asked me if I could watch their dog and parrot for a week while they were on vacation. I visited twice and day and took really good care of them. Talking to the bird, playing with the dog...you couldn't get a better house-sitter. The day before they got back I organized their mail into a nice little pile and made sure the pets were well-set for their return.

The next day I got a call from them.

"So how long has the parrot been dead?" they asked.

I was shocked, I had just had a great talk with the bird the night before. I explained that it must have died during the night, and they were really nice and understanding. Even though I refused to get paid, they wrote me a generous check.

I kept on forgetting to cash the check because I was pretty busy. I was talking with them about a month after the bird died, and they started talking about how considerate it was that I didn't cash the check.

I had just cashed it that morning.

I might submit a shorter version to fml. But pretty much, if you ever need a house-sitter be sure to let me know!