Buttons

So I'm going back to school and decided I need some new jeans. Naturally the first place I go is...Abercrombie.


I walk in and the music begins rupturing my ears. The cologne is being piped through the air ducts. Naked models stare at me, challenging me to try on a pair of ripped jeans.


Why I'm 23 years old and still shop at Abercrombie is because (a) my buddy works there, and (b) I like how the jeans fit. 


I find a pair a like, try it on quickly, and purchase it. 


Wearing the jeans later in the week, I go to put them on and realize they don't have a zipper. Instead they have three buttons. 


I realize how this must be trendy, sexier, etc. But nonetheless when I'm in a bathroom with a slew of other guys, myself struggling to unbutton my pants - I look like a nutcase. 


A future college grad battling with his pants in the bathroom is not the image I wish to portray. So next time you see me in my new jeans, just compliment them and know that I've been practicing in my spare time. 

Lessons at a Park

Kids are so innocent. 


I was taking my nephew to the park and had a water bottle with me. Naturally the 3-year-old started getting thirsty after exhausting all possible game options to do with plastic fixtures and old tires.


Letting him take a swig, he took a deep gulp and lowered the water bottle in his hands. Thoughtfully he waited a second with the plastic container in hand. Tipping it slightly in his small hands to observe the light pass through the remaining water, he looked like an aspiring scientist on the brink of a discovery.


Then his eyes squinted, nose flared, and mouth protruded to let out the biggest sneeze his small body could muster. 


Spray flew in every direction, most noticeably all over the water bottle and might have even filled it some. He looked at me with his big eyes and gestured with the water bottle that he was done. 


I took advantage of the situation and taught him how to recycle a water bottle. He'll be a great recycler someday. 

Bryton, my nephew, sporting some goggles. These would have come in handy when he sneezed.

Manliness

Manliness is not directly related to courage.

At work yesterday I was riding down the freight elevator. Now this is not a typical elevator...imagine a moving cage that shakes as it moves, full of wooden carts and old fixtures.

Running through my mind is the age of the cord holding the heavy elevator up, amount of bugs stuck in the cobweb above me, or what snack I should have brought in case the elevator stopped.

As the cage is trembling to a stop I jam the "Open Door" button down. The metal door starts rising from the bottom up, and suddenly there is a loud scream.

A large man, in all black, jumps at the opening elevator door. Naturally my man instincts kick in as I jump back, aghas.

He starts laughing, hysterically, as I realize that it's one of my coworkers. His face was lit up in joy, contrasted greatly by my mine in pale white.

"Wow," I thought sarcastically as I stepped out of the elevator, "this is going to spread like wildfire." And it has throughout my work. Essentially I need a good way to get him back - and hopefully better than scaring him innocently in the freight elevator.

Mosquitos

I am tired of mosquitos for the following reasons:

• They suck blood. I faint when I see blood. Hence squishing a mosquito can be disastrous. 
• Mosquitos are everywhere. What frustrates me is they're always buzzing around your ears, and you never know if it's a swarm or just the same one doing his rounds.
• Buzzing. I think the only sound more annoying is a vuvuzela, and that's saying a lot. 

But I have a solution. Why are we wasting our time with insect repellent and electric zappers? The real fix is to just put out a big bag of blood. 

Mosquitos would be happy. We would be happy. Problem solved. 

Puppy Eyes

Everyone loves puppies. I'd stretch as far to say that everyone likes those little cute dogs that look at you with their giant eyes. Unfortunately, I fell for their trap.

A few days ago I was on my way to bed, and my family's two dogs were on the stairway blocking my asent to my room. They both stared deep into my eyes, all the way down to my heart. Then whimpered a little bit. Needless to say, the ogre in me softened its heart.

I figured that since I have a queen-sized bed and they are both little dogs, letting them sleep on the corner of my bed was hardly a sacrifice.

A red flag should have gone up when they hopped into bed right next to me. No, really. The poodle was nestled right beside my head and the yorkie tightly by my feet. They had me trapped.

Sleeping was another struggle. They kept waking up and barking for no reason and just walking around. After a restless night, I woke up at 5:00 am to finally kick them out. Overstaying their welcome is an understatement. As I round them up, I notice dog toys on my bed.

Yes - during the night they had actually gone and retrieved their slimy toys and brought them onto my bed.

To boot, one of them had relieved himself on my bedroom floor. Next time I feel like being charitable I'd rather go bathe the homeless before letting those little ruffians back onto my bed. I'm not falling for puppy eyes again.

I believe this to be an accurate representation of how my dogs sleep.

Fishing in a Dress

I really enjoy fishing. I also appreciate pretty girls in summer dresses. But fishing with my buddy wearing a summer dress was a new experience.

So one of my friends from high school, Josh, is getting married in a couple weeks. We planned this spectacular bachelor party up at a lake. The air was the optimal breeziness as the sun bounced around off the water.

Carrying all of the fishing supplies, we had an extra bag with us. Once we had set up all the fishing poles we told Josh we had a surprise for him. I'm sure he was expecting some manly gift - such as a knife or ax, but instead it was a red, low-cut summer dress. To boot we had gotten him a bra and panties.

Now seeing a hairy, bearded man in a dress is like watching the Star Wars kid. You feel terrible for the kid but can't stop watching. And laughing.

Reluctant at first, Josh came to accept the idea that he would be spending the afternoon a form-fitting dress. He surprisingly had no problems with getting the dress on, but did need some assistance with snapping on his bra.

The fishing was unforgettable - and not because of the fish. Being that we were on a motorboat, the wind kept blowing his dress up. I had to keep telling him when his bra was showing. Nearby fishers would steer very clear of our boat.

So girls, next time you don't think you look good in a dress, let these pictures ease your worries:

Josh "coming out." The hat was an added bonus.

Taken right before fishing. His bra is showing slightly.

Notice the placement of his arm to stop the wind.

Baby Gap

Comebacks should be extended to about two years after the original statement.

Getting home from a long day at school at BYU, my buddy Mark came and plopped down next to me on the couch. His pants seemed different. Out-of-place. Form-fitting. Being a great friend, I went ahead and told him:

"Nice pants, did you get them at Roxy?" I said, chuckling slightly to myself at my own wit.

In response, he just looks over and says, "Nice pants, did you get them at Baby Gap?" 

If bewilderment has a facial expression, my face was setting the standard. Of course, my other four roommates are already high-fiving Mark. 

My mind is racing, searching for any other retailer more embarrassing than Baby Gap. And it's still searching, almost two years later. 

Unfortunately, timeless quips have a way of sticking. So my nickname will be "Baby Gap" until I come up with an equally amazing comeback. So if you want to do a kind act of service today, please just think of a store worse than Baby Gap and help a brother out. 

For Your Enjoyment

I just learned that corn can have anywhere from 350 to 1,000 kernels. Also unrelated, for 85% of Americans there is a Wal-Mart within 15 miles of their home. 

Aside from these great facts, I'd like to share with you one my favorite youtube videos. If I ever have a child as cool as this, I will get him icecream every day.

Team Edward

                                            Middle names can be both a blessing and a curse.

If your parents are considerate, they'll name you something that flows nicely and won't set you too far apart from your peers. Such names as Eugene, Dick, or Bertha should be avoided just as a best-practice. 

One thing that parents should also be able to do is to see the future and accurately predict trends and potentially popular characters and avoid giving you these names. In my case, my parents should have looked into changing my middle name once the Twilight series was published.

Yes, my middle name is Edward.

It used to be that when I told people my middle name they would say "oh how nice." Now the reaction is, "no, really...what is it?" Then I have to explain that it really is Edward and the rest of the conversation will inevitably be about Twilight. 

So if you have to know, I am the inspiration of Team Edward. 

Blood Pathogen Training

At my internship at Sears, I have to do all sorts of online training. The subjects range from having to operate a cash register to how to set up a trap to catch cats.


Now I'm not a big fan of blood. Squeamish, faint-hearted, and passing out are all words that come to mind when I imagine the red substance. So of course Sears has an unnecessary training on what to do with a major blood spill. 


In my mind, the entire training should just say "Call 911."


But no. Graphic pictures are needed. Descriptions and examples are vivid. Everything is read out loud to you, just to ensure that the picture of a man holding his face with blood gushing out matches the story. 


Needless to say that was the most agonizing 20 minutes of my life. Now if there's a blood spill I'll remember to put on safety gloves before fainting.