Boom. Fainted.

Your body is full of it. Evil people make vows to drink it. Mosquitoes love it.

And me? I have a 100 percent chance of fainting whenever I see it.

Hemophobia is the fear of blood, and I must have an extreme case of it. So of course when my company hosts a wellness screening for its employees, I accidentally put myself in blood’s path.

Knowing my fear, I actually had avoided signing up for the event. Friday rolls around and the event organizer dropped by my office and told me that there’s still availability to sign up. Within one minute of her telling me I was sitting in a chair and a nurse was prepping a needle.

Uh-oh.

They kept reassuring me that it was just a prick to the finger. Yet, as the nurse sat there coaxing the LARGE drop of blood from my finger it was all I could do but nervously squirm as my world closed in.

Boom. Fainted.

I wake up with a dozen pairs of frightened eyes staring at me. I had passed out in my chair, and luckily the nurses had caught me. Still boxed in by the nurses, I slowly regained my senses and took inventory of my surroundings.

They helped cover my wound/prick with a little Band-Aid, and I then went back to work.

I didn’t dare take off the bandage the rest of the day – wouldn’t want another droplet of blood to escape!

Banana Studying

Blog it’s been too long. I will now come out of my married cocoon and blossom with stories.

My story starts in Walmart. If I were a bug, Walmart would be a bright, iridescent light. I don’t want to go visit it, but I must.

So I’m there waiting in the checkout line one early morning, trying to capture the QR code on the gum rack, and I noticed this guy studying a banana.

He’s a middle-aged man, well-dressed, and clearly on his way to work. Just stopped to grab a banana.

His eyes are locked on the yellow fruit, turning it slowly in his hands. Flipping, rolling, examining aren’t enough to find whatever treasure he is seeking.

I too am drawn in to this man’s quest, as I look from afar to also try to discover the banana’s secret. All too soon it his turn in line.

The man approached the checkout lady and desperately exclaimed that he couldn’t find the barcode anywhere. He even rotated it all the way around for her to see. The cashier then delicately took the banana from him and set it on the electronic reader.

“It’s a banana,” she said. “We weigh it to determine the price.”

Well duh. The lightbulb went off in this man’s head as he realized that none of the bananas have barcodes on them. Probably not that guy’s brightest moment. 

Dolphins and Wolves

If you could be any animal in the world, what would it be? I choose human.

But if I had a second choice, it would be a toss-up between a dolphin or wolf – purely based off of the cheesy artwork that is sold by the millions every year.

I’m at my monthly check-in at the dollar store to see their wolf posters, and found a great one with a silhouetted wolf lit by an orangish aura. 

However, being a dollar store (and actually $.88 Tuesday) what WAS labeled as a wolf poster ended up being this classy dolphin poster.

Although the poster now hangs prominently over my staircase, I filled my life's wolf void by buying matching wolf shirts. I make an extra effort to wear mine whenever I visit Walmart or do something especially redneck. This new-found passion for wolf apparel was inspired by these Amazon reviews.   

The Proposal

I am marrying the most beautiful girl in the world. Even though she is leaps and bounds smarter than me, I still managed to surprise her.

Brooke was to leave for Ghana on a nursing humanitarian aid trip, and was suspecting I would propose after she arrived home. We like to go on drives, and the day before she had expressed an interest in getting out of Provo. I casually brought up that we should take a drive through the canyon the following day. Little did she know I had been plotting this for weeks…

Driving up the canyon, I was sweating bullets and nervously laughing a lot. We hit a good point to turn around (scenic of course), so I pulled over the car and told her I had made something for her to take to Ghana. It was a book of pictures of us, and conveniently ended with a picture of us in front of the temple. Foreshadowing?

 I then told her there was another part of the gift, but it was in the trunk. Walking out of the car my heart was beating like an African drum. Popped the trunk and had a dozen roses displayed. She did what most girls would do – looking at those roses with those big puppy eyes and letting a large smile sweep across her face.

The perfect set-up needs to be followed with the perfect ending.

I then got down on one knee and asked her to marry me. I’m pretty sure I was still mid-sentence when she exclaimed “YES!” and then the rest is history. She looks so good with the ring on her finger and I can hardly wait to marry her.

We will be getting married in the Portland, Oregon temple on August 13^th. 

The Portland, Oregon temple

Brooke's engagement ring :)

My First Snowboarding Backflip!

I went snowboarding for my first time in Utah. Ever. I know. 

The snowstorm the night before had left a powdery playland up at Solitude. Winding our way to the mountain I had images of SSX Tricky running through my head. I was trying hard brainstorm some snowboard lingo outside of "shredding" and "nectar" - when I saw it:

A trailer full of deer. Yep, just driving on the freeway - some of them even had their tongues sticking out.

A close-up of the trailer full of deer

Expiration Dates

Do you ever check the expiration date on your driver’s license? Well, me neither.

This past weekend I was studying with Brooke and she wanted to see the picture on my license. I think everyone has those moments where you laugh at your 16-year-old picture – looking at the bull-cuts, highlight streaks, or awkward grins.

After she got done admiring my picture, she commented that my license was expired. By three months.

Oh goody.

So I went into the DMV this morning and was informed that I had to take the written exam to get it renewed.

As I’m sitting there agonizing over these painful questions at my undersized kiosk, these 15-year-olds are just cranking through this test. Flying. I could have sworn one of them was playing DDR with their fingers as they chose their answers within a fraction of a second.

Sweating bullets I’m having to chose between slowly following a bicyclist to slowly passing. Hesitantly  I submitted my test. Definitely harder than any test at the private university I attend.

I passed, and what was the reward?

The joy to now be considered an official Utah resident. Farewell Washington stereotypes – I’ll miss recycling and socks with my sandals. 

Thief!

Someone was robbed last Saturday at Walmart.

The store was an anthill of activity. I filled in among the colony of shoppers and proceeded with my shopping.

Checkout was quick, as I studied my new box of Trix and tried to solve the puzzle on back. On the way out my girlfriend and I even looked at the puppies in the parking lot. Great day, right?

Well arriving home we unloaded the groceries – carefully taking everything out of the plastic bags and putting them in their place.

Then we noticed the five cans of food. That I didn’t buy.

I can already imagine a SWAT team busting down my door and dragging me out. Screaming at first, I would eventually cooperate and may even smile for my mug shot. Then reality hit and I just had to accept that accidents happen.

Turns out I’m a terrible thief…I now have two cans of tomato slices, refried beans, and a can of sauerkraut. 

Giant Spider

I am decided that there are no spiders in Utah. Good thing, because spiders make my skin crawl (pun intended).

I have probably encountered one of the largest spiders in all of history. Easily the size of my hand, this arachnid had extra sets of eyes and its fur looked like daggers.

You can't stay in a house with this type of spider. It will find you. Determined to kill it, my friend and I got a broom and squeegy to act as both our weapons and defense tools.

Before striking, my friend explained to me that if we didn't get it on our first strike that the spider would mark us, climb the wall and onto the ceiling, and drop on us to attack. All in a matter of seconds.

Hence, I made a mental note that if we missed I would go running and screaming like a little girl.

We stood in anticipation with our deadly broom and squeegy. Silent. I waited for him. He waited for me. The spider licked her giant fangs, I'm sure choosing a juicy spot on my neck to bite.

Sweaty and reluctant, my buddy and I made eye contact and thrust forth our weapons.

The beast surprisingly didn't move. With the blow she oozed some thick green substance that literally slid down the wall.

Then we saw why she hadn't moved - she was a mother. The wall instantly became alive as millions of little spiders, obviously who were nesting on their large mom. It is surreal how a wall can look like it's moving.

Needless to say I did not return to that room for days. And I don't like spiders.

This is probably what the spider looked like up close, although exponentially larger:

Dumpster Diving

I have never been one for dumpster diving, but some things are too good to pass up. 


So I'm talking with a couple of my buddies outside of my house. Positioned by the overflowing dumpster, one of my friends Mark noticed a nice pair of dress shoes sitting atop the pile.


Easily picking them out, we admired the shoes and were astonished that someone would throw them away.


Then my buddy Mike, who interned with Goldman Sachs (a prestigious financial institution), sheepishly admits that he threw them away. He said that they were more worn than they appeared and uncomfortable. 


Mark and I had interned with Sears this past summer... so of course the Sears interns dug through the trash of the Goldman Sachs intern.