3-Piece Suit + 2 Sharp Safety Pins

I was invited to a Jane Austen dance, and considering that I don’t have a bunch of extra classy suits with cravats lying around, I decided to borrow a friend’s 3-piece suit. 

He’s about my size, and being a man of course I didn’t try it on. It’s about 15 minutes before I’m about to pick up my date, and I go to put on the suit and it’s HUGE! I could have fit about 50 MC Hammer-sized pocketwatches in there!

Suspenders are such a practical invention. It’s really too bad I didn’t have any. I arrive at my date’s apartment, looking like a baller – but not because of the 3-piece suit, but because I’m holding my pants up and having to shuffle walk.

Luckily she has two safety pins. Little ones. Difficult to handle. Especially on the pants you’re wearing. There is no smooth way to do this. I get them in, and we go to the dance.

I go to sit in the car, and we’re talking as we drive. Then in my nether regions, I hear a clear “POP” as one of the safety pins comes out. The freedom of the first safety pin must have encouraged that of the second, because it followed suit and popped out.

There is something terrifying that comes upon a man when he knows that he has two sharply-tipped safety pins open in his pants.

I play it cool, and when we arrive I pull the little daggers out of my trousers and go baggin’ into the dance. I eventually get it figured out, and went the entire dance without making any sudden movements.

I think I understand a little better why old men hike up their pants and sit down slowly when approaching a chair. 

Actual picture from the night, behind my smile is a deep fear of being stabbed by the safety pins holding my pants up