Manliness

Manliness is not directly related to courage.

At work yesterday I was riding down the freight elevator. Now this is not a typical elevator...imagine a moving cage that shakes as it moves, full of wooden carts and old fixtures.

Running through my mind is the age of the cord holding the heavy elevator up, amount of bugs stuck in the cobweb above me, or what snack I should have brought in case the elevator stopped.

As the cage is trembling to a stop I jam the "Open Door" button down. The metal door starts rising from the bottom up, and suddenly there is a loud scream.

A large man, in all black, jumps at the opening elevator door. Naturally my man instincts kick in as I jump back, aghas.

He starts laughing, hysterically, as I realize that it's one of my coworkers. His face was lit up in joy, contrasted greatly by my mine in pale white.

"Wow," I thought sarcastically as I stepped out of the elevator, "this is going to spread like wildfire." And it has throughout my work. Essentially I need a good way to get him back - and hopefully better than scaring him innocently in the freight elevator.

Mosquitos

I am tired of mosquitos for the following reasons:

• They suck blood. I faint when I see blood. Hence squishing a mosquito can be disastrous. 
• Mosquitos are everywhere. What frustrates me is they're always buzzing around your ears, and you never know if it's a swarm or just the same one doing his rounds.
• Buzzing. I think the only sound more annoying is a vuvuzela, and that's saying a lot. 

But I have a solution. Why are we wasting our time with insect repellent and electric zappers? The real fix is to just put out a big bag of blood. 

Mosquitos would be happy. We would be happy. Problem solved. 

Puppy Eyes

Everyone loves puppies. I'd stretch as far to say that everyone likes those little cute dogs that look at you with their giant eyes. Unfortunately, I fell for their trap.

A few days ago I was on my way to bed, and my family's two dogs were on the stairway blocking my asent to my room. They both stared deep into my eyes, all the way down to my heart. Then whimpered a little bit. Needless to say, the ogre in me softened its heart.

I figured that since I have a queen-sized bed and they are both little dogs, letting them sleep on the corner of my bed was hardly a sacrifice.

A red flag should have gone up when they hopped into bed right next to me. No, really. The poodle was nestled right beside my head and the yorkie tightly by my feet. They had me trapped.

Sleeping was another struggle. They kept waking up and barking for no reason and just walking around. After a restless night, I woke up at 5:00 am to finally kick them out. Overstaying their welcome is an understatement. As I round them up, I notice dog toys on my bed.

Yes - during the night they had actually gone and retrieved their slimy toys and brought them onto my bed.

To boot, one of them had relieved himself on my bedroom floor. Next time I feel like being charitable I'd rather go bathe the homeless before letting those little ruffians back onto my bed. I'm not falling for puppy eyes again.

I believe this to be an accurate representation of how my dogs sleep.

Fishing in a Dress

I really enjoy fishing. I also appreciate pretty girls in summer dresses. But fishing with my buddy wearing a summer dress was a new experience.

So one of my friends from high school, Josh, is getting married in a couple weeks. We planned this spectacular bachelor party up at a lake. The air was the optimal breeziness as the sun bounced around off the water.

Carrying all of the fishing supplies, we had an extra bag with us. Once we had set up all the fishing poles we told Josh we had a surprise for him. I'm sure he was expecting some manly gift - such as a knife or ax, but instead it was a red, low-cut summer dress. To boot we had gotten him a bra and panties.

Now seeing a hairy, bearded man in a dress is like watching the Star Wars kid. You feel terrible for the kid but can't stop watching. And laughing.

Reluctant at first, Josh came to accept the idea that he would be spending the afternoon a form-fitting dress. He surprisingly had no problems with getting the dress on, but did need some assistance with snapping on his bra.

The fishing was unforgettable - and not because of the fish. Being that we were on a motorboat, the wind kept blowing his dress up. I had to keep telling him when his bra was showing. Nearby fishers would steer very clear of our boat.

So girls, next time you don't think you look good in a dress, let these pictures ease your worries:

Josh "coming out." The hat was an added bonus.

Taken right before fishing. His bra is showing slightly.

Notice the placement of his arm to stop the wind.