Implants

I have a great group in one of my classes - myself, two buddies, and a married girl.

Winning combination, right? We work well together, and yesterday in a meeting we were all working hard and my married friend decided to make an announcement.

"Guys, tomorrow I'm getting implants," she boldly stated.

Now, a lot runs through your head when a friend tells you she's getting implants. My mind was convoluted with awkwardness. I sat there dumbly, as did my two buddies. Eye contact was forbidden.

She then laughed and said, "oh, well teeth implants."


A collective sigh left our chests. Relieved, but still speechless, we chuckled hesitantly. Teeth implants never resounded so well.

I thought some cute puppy pictures would be better than pictures of implants. 

Free Pen?

We all have days where we forget a writing utensil in class.

The other day, I had forgotten my pen and had stopped by the university bookstore to buy a few of my overpriced books.

While signing for my credit card, I had used one of the bookstore pens in a cup there at the counter. Now, having suffered through my entire day without a pen and then having access to a million of them was just plain overwhelming. I have a greater understanding of a starving person walking through a bakery.

How the pens are so scrumptiously displayed one would assume they're up for grabs. "Would it be OK if I take one of these pens?" I asked hesitantly.

The clerk stopped what she was doing, glanced down at the delicious cup of pens, and then said "Well it depends - some people do." 

My mind raced as I tried to determine if that was a yes or a no. The clerk had turned my question into an ethical dilema of agency and free choice.

While still keeping my eyes fixed on hers, I reach over the cup of pens and slowly pull one out - like a treasure hunter carefully picking up some gold from its ancient tomb. Eyes straightforward, I place the pen smartly into my pocket and back away slowly. 

Luckily no alarms went off. No security stop. The clerk didn't dive over the counter. They must have been free pens after all.

Laser Tag

Going to a place named the "Family Fun Center" can only mean fun, right?


Well my little sister decided to have her birthday party at the aforementioned location, and one of the key attractions is the laser tag.


Walking into the futuristic arena, your white shirt suddenly becomes a glowing beacon. Shoelaces glisten. Even your white teeth gives away your location in the black lights. 


I was playing with a couple of my friends, Kelsey and Shinji, and all of the kids decided that it wouldn't be fair to have my buddy and I on the same team. Shinji and I play sports together every day. Waging on who will get the highest score among each other, we stealthily enter into the gaming area and begin playing.


Out-of-body experience hardly describes my time in the arena. Diving, tagging kids from across the map, and dodging lasers filled the 5-minute window. 


After the match I triumphantly hung up my vest and gun, asking Shinji with a smirk what his score was. 


"1,000" Shinji reported proudly. Scoffing, I told him my score - a whopping 3,500. Discussing the match, we walk outside of the arena to look at the overall scoreboard. Kelsey follows us out quietly, hardly having broken a sweat.


She cutely inquires her score and tells us her number. My buddy and I both do a double-take - 27,000! 


That's seven times better than our scores combined. She modestly shrugs, mentioning her previous shooting experience and how we could use some practice. 


Last time I ever play laser tag with a girl.

These pictures illustrate perfectly the range of skill. Actual picture of Kelsey training for the laser tag match.

Buttons

So I'm going back to school and decided I need some new jeans. Naturally the first place I go is...Abercrombie.


I walk in and the music begins rupturing my ears. The cologne is being piped through the air ducts. Naked models stare at me, challenging me to try on a pair of ripped jeans.


Why I'm 23 years old and still shop at Abercrombie is because (a) my buddy works there, and (b) I like how the jeans fit. 


I find a pair a like, try it on quickly, and purchase it. 


Wearing the jeans later in the week, I go to put them on and realize they don't have a zipper. Instead they have three buttons. 


I realize how this must be trendy, sexier, etc. But nonetheless when I'm in a bathroom with a slew of other guys, myself struggling to unbutton my pants - I look like a nutcase. 


A future college grad battling with his pants in the bathroom is not the image I wish to portray. So next time you see me in my new jeans, just compliment them and know that I've been practicing in my spare time. 

Lessons at a Park

Kids are so innocent. 


I was taking my nephew to the park and had a water bottle with me. Naturally the 3-year-old started getting thirsty after exhausting all possible game options to do with plastic fixtures and old tires.


Letting him take a swig, he took a deep gulp and lowered the water bottle in his hands. Thoughtfully he waited a second with the plastic container in hand. Tipping it slightly in his small hands to observe the light pass through the remaining water, he looked like an aspiring scientist on the brink of a discovery.


Then his eyes squinted, nose flared, and mouth protruded to let out the biggest sneeze his small body could muster. 


Spray flew in every direction, most noticeably all over the water bottle and might have even filled it some. He looked at me with his big eyes and gestured with the water bottle that he was done. 


I took advantage of the situation and taught him how to recycle a water bottle. He'll be a great recycler someday. 

Bryton, my nephew, sporting some goggles. These would have come in handy when he sneezed.

Manliness

Manliness is not directly related to courage.

At work yesterday I was riding down the freight elevator. Now this is not a typical elevator...imagine a moving cage that shakes as it moves, full of wooden carts and old fixtures.

Running through my mind is the age of the cord holding the heavy elevator up, amount of bugs stuck in the cobweb above me, or what snack I should have brought in case the elevator stopped.

As the cage is trembling to a stop I jam the "Open Door" button down. The metal door starts rising from the bottom up, and suddenly there is a loud scream.

A large man, in all black, jumps at the opening elevator door. Naturally my man instincts kick in as I jump back, aghas.

He starts laughing, hysterically, as I realize that it's one of my coworkers. His face was lit up in joy, contrasted greatly by my mine in pale white.

"Wow," I thought sarcastically as I stepped out of the elevator, "this is going to spread like wildfire." And it has throughout my work. Essentially I need a good way to get him back - and hopefully better than scaring him innocently in the freight elevator.

Mosquitos

I am tired of mosquitos for the following reasons:

• They suck blood. I faint when I see blood. Hence squishing a mosquito can be disastrous. 
• Mosquitos are everywhere. What frustrates me is they're always buzzing around your ears, and you never know if it's a swarm or just the same one doing his rounds.
• Buzzing. I think the only sound more annoying is a vuvuzela, and that's saying a lot. 

But I have a solution. Why are we wasting our time with insect repellent and electric zappers? The real fix is to just put out a big bag of blood. 

Mosquitos would be happy. We would be happy. Problem solved. 

Puppy Eyes

Everyone loves puppies. I'd stretch as far to say that everyone likes those little cute dogs that look at you with their giant eyes. Unfortunately, I fell for their trap.

A few days ago I was on my way to bed, and my family's two dogs were on the stairway blocking my asent to my room. They both stared deep into my eyes, all the way down to my heart. Then whimpered a little bit. Needless to say, the ogre in me softened its heart.

I figured that since I have a queen-sized bed and they are both little dogs, letting them sleep on the corner of my bed was hardly a sacrifice.

A red flag should have gone up when they hopped into bed right next to me. No, really. The poodle was nestled right beside my head and the yorkie tightly by my feet. They had me trapped.

Sleeping was another struggle. They kept waking up and barking for no reason and just walking around. After a restless night, I woke up at 5:00 am to finally kick them out. Overstaying their welcome is an understatement. As I round them up, I notice dog toys on my bed.

Yes - during the night they had actually gone and retrieved their slimy toys and brought them onto my bed.

To boot, one of them had relieved himself on my bedroom floor. Next time I feel like being charitable I'd rather go bathe the homeless before letting those little ruffians back onto my bed. I'm not falling for puppy eyes again.

I believe this to be an accurate representation of how my dogs sleep.

Fishing in a Dress

I really enjoy fishing. I also appreciate pretty girls in summer dresses. But fishing with my buddy wearing a summer dress was a new experience.

So one of my friends from high school, Josh, is getting married in a couple weeks. We planned this spectacular bachelor party up at a lake. The air was the optimal breeziness as the sun bounced around off the water.

Carrying all of the fishing supplies, we had an extra bag with us. Once we had set up all the fishing poles we told Josh we had a surprise for him. I'm sure he was expecting some manly gift - such as a knife or ax, but instead it was a red, low-cut summer dress. To boot we had gotten him a bra and panties.

Now seeing a hairy, bearded man in a dress is like watching the Star Wars kid. You feel terrible for the kid but can't stop watching. And laughing.

Reluctant at first, Josh came to accept the idea that he would be spending the afternoon a form-fitting dress. He surprisingly had no problems with getting the dress on, but did need some assistance with snapping on his bra.

The fishing was unforgettable - and not because of the fish. Being that we were on a motorboat, the wind kept blowing his dress up. I had to keep telling him when his bra was showing. Nearby fishers would steer very clear of our boat.

So girls, next time you don't think you look good in a dress, let these pictures ease your worries:

Josh "coming out." The hat was an added bonus.

Taken right before fishing. His bra is showing slightly.

Notice the placement of his arm to stop the wind.

Baby Gap

Comebacks should be extended to about two years after the original statement.

Getting home from a long day at school at BYU, my buddy Mark came and plopped down next to me on the couch. His pants seemed different. Out-of-place. Form-fitting. Being a great friend, I went ahead and told him:

"Nice pants, did you get them at Roxy?" I said, chuckling slightly to myself at my own wit.

In response, he just looks over and says, "Nice pants, did you get them at Baby Gap?" 

If bewilderment has a facial expression, my face was setting the standard. Of course, my other four roommates are already high-fiving Mark. 

My mind is racing, searching for any other retailer more embarrassing than Baby Gap. And it's still searching, almost two years later. 

Unfortunately, timeless quips have a way of sticking. So my nickname will be "Baby Gap" until I come up with an equally amazing comeback. So if you want to do a kind act of service today, please just think of a store worse than Baby Gap and help a brother out.